AMBW Post #2: The Attached Stigma

Yes, that title is correct, this is my second post on AMBW relationships. It is long overdue, but I am finally getting around to it, so let us begin. In this specific post I will be talking about the “stigma” that surrounds this type of relationship, whether it is from family, friends, or whoever else’s opinion matter to these dating people.

Love, real love, is something none of us can control. Love is not about the size of a guy’s wallet, or about what’s in his jeans. And love definitely sees no color. But, unfortunately for those in AMBW relationships and advocators of it (like me until I find my black and yellow love xD), other people do. Living where I do, in this small town on the outskirts of what seems like the world, and being African American I get stares when hanging out with my non-Black girlfriends. I get just as many looks when I am with another Black guy and what feels like the hot, fiery eyes of everyone when I’m with a White guy. I can brush off the gawks of random strangers I don’t know when we are chilling at the park, but the ones that come from other Black guys are unnerving. It’s like me choosing to be with someone that doesn’t resemble me is like being a cat in water. It’s just wrong. This is the most annoying thing I have ever come across in my 17 years of lifetime so far. This double standard in the Black community when it comes to dating interracially. The men can chase after anything he wants night and day whether she is White, Asian, Spanish, or Blue… But the women are supposed to stay loyal to their men. How in the hell can we be “loyal” to you, when you are too busy chasing some other woman’s tail to treat us with the same loyalty you ask for? (Digressing…)

I advocate any form of interracial relationship because no matter if you are a Black man dating outside your race, a White woman dating outside your race, or an Asian man dating outside your race, just stepping up and taking action is a courageous thing. And I use courageous here because many of us do have the stereotypes imprinted in our minds that hinder us from taking that crucial first step.

Writing from a Black girl’s point of view, I’ll start with some stereotypes that surround the Asian man when it comes to the inside mind of a Black woman. The main three that come to mind are:

1). Shortness either in height or other places.

2). His parents will never accept me.

3). He’s probably gonna be shy and can’t handle me and my attitude.

These three stereotypes have been established in my mind maybe around two or three years ago, by the main culprit in much of this… the media. Let me reference back to my crush from school, A. Many times I found our little group land on the topic of whether the big #1 Asian guy stereotype is really true. And still, this remains a mystery to me. I still do not like the fact that when it comes to sex, Asian guys seem to always be placed last on ranking. There are horrid African American lovers, awful Caucasian lovers, terrible Latino lovers, well the list could go on and on, but ya’ll get the point. No matter what you look like and what you are working with, a man of any color can either put the motion in the ocean or leave it dry and bored.

Just 'cause you rockin' the Titanic, don't mean you know how to manuever it...

Secondly, the media will have you believing that interracial dating is hard. Which, hmm, is true, and may seem like a harsh reality, but it is what it is. In every race, when interracially dating, there are gonna be parents who will dislike whoever it is that you are bringing home for dinner. For example, my grandmother heavily dislikes my mother to this day because she is a darker tone than my father is, even after my mother tried her hardest to be perfect. Some things you just have to accept, aren’t going to change… As I have looked, various sources on the internet have revealed to me, Asian parents are notorious for keeping it all within the family. I will admit some parents are more acceptable of it, but I would not advise my Black sistahs out there to go waltzing into their boyfriend’s house the first time and giving his parents a high five on the black hand side, just saying. Then again, on the flip side of the coin, if you are likable, and your Asian cutie-pie boo loves you, chances are, they will too.

Lastly, many people believe that Asian guys, whether they be Korean, Chinese, Cambodian, etc., they are bound to be shy. That these men aren’t gonna stand up and whoop some serious ass if someone disrespects their girlfriend. Please… Just because a guy is Asian, it don’t mean he is spineless or wimpy. There are many times in my life where I have heard aunts, older cousins and friends say that, “I need a Black man to protect me,” and “Ya’ll know I’m hard to handle, only a Black man can tame this…”. Again I say honey, please!

YEAH Babayy!!!

To close out this rather long post I just wanna say that if you are a Black girl trying to dating an Asian guy, or vice versa don’t let the fear of “we are too different, so we wont click”, get into you. AMBW can work, it just takes courage and patience and much love. And remember, it is no different than any other romantic relationship, love is magic and if you believe in it, it will never just be an illusion…

Tae.

The Dating Game

Hey ya’ll out there! Lemme start off today by just jumping right in. So I am at the point in my life where I am starting to branch off and meet new people and just do my own thing (which is scary I might add). Anyway, being in high school and in the midst of everybody else in the midst of trying to do their own thing, brings about today’s topic: Dating.

Now as daunting of a topic as that may be for some, I just want to talk a little about all the crappy stereotypes that come along with this “dating game”. And as I go along with this, please, don’t believe that I am just talking about teenagers here. This playing of the game, occurs with everybody new to dating somebody new. Now, today I was talking to my friend in class and she was telling me about all the rules that girls need to follow to snag the sexy, dreamy, perfect guy. (Which, let’s all be honest and say it doesn’t exist. Well, unless some guy somewhere has been created that doesn’t fart and knows how to put the toilet seat down every time, I don’t think so… But I digress). To the rules:

1). Never be the first one to give out your number.

2). Never be too flirtatious whether talking straight up or texting.

3). Always smile a lot, even if his jokes aren’t that funny.

4). Do not under any circumstances come off too desperate for attention.

5). If he acts nervous around you, he wants your shorts.

Now, maybe on some level, all of these are true. But not for a minute am I going to let some list of rules keep me from going after what I want. And in my opinion, I don’t think anyone should be afraid to go against dating rule number whatever-the-hell for these stupid gender ideologies we have for the game of dating. So what if you give him your number first, ya’ll could be together forever. And hey, whoever said that if you don’t smile 24/7 he’s gonna think you are weird and or depressed. And let’s be real, every single guy who is nervous around you, doesn’t want you like you think he does. If you wanna be assertive, to my girls out there, don’t be afraid to break the rules! Hell, we’ve been breaking the rules for years, nothing should stop us now. The status quo doesn’t define you, your actions do. J

Sometimes it's good to be straightforward 'cause at times beating around the bush, it just ain't working...

In this post, I would also like to address some of you shy guys out there. I, as I think I have said in an earlier post I am extremely shy around people I don’t know and guys I like. And to be painstakingly honest, sometimes I do let it get to me and I don’t open up to others like I probably should. I am nearly positive that I am not the only girl who is shy like that. But the main message for some of you guys out there: Please, if you like a girl, or even think she is cute, say something. You know she’s shy, and maybe you’re a little insecure? Just say something. Hmm, let me rephrase that, this is for both guys and girls. In our society, it is expected that the guy is supposed to do everything. Ride up on his white stallion / Mercedes-Benz drop-top and ask us out to dinner. Make the first move. And partially that’s because of the faulty premise that if a girl is making the first move on a guy, she’s being “skanky”, which is complete ludicrous. Anybody can make a move, it just takes guts and courage to say something. But trust, all of us have something just a little bit weird about ourselves. As Hannah Montana (or was it Miley Cyrus) said, “Nobody’s Perfect”. So guys, don’t be afraid to strut up to that head cheerleader and ask her to go to Prom with you. And girls, don’t be all nervous to swagger up to that swim team hottie and ask him to hang out later and maybe catch a movie. Think about it, the worst they can say is no…

Courage + You = Yay 🙂

Tae.

F.W.B = Too Much for Me?

Whew, it’s been too long since I’ve blogged here. But I have returned. And the topic today is FWB relationships. Now if you are reading this and are thinking, “What the hell is an FWB relationship?” have no fear because I’m here to break it all down for you!

Okay, so let me start off today by defining what FWB is. Friends With Benefits. Basically it is two people (most of the time a really horny guy and a girl feeling somewhat similar). Both parties are either acquaintances or they have known each other for a while and are attracted to each other. An agreement is made between the two that says: We can go anywhere from 1^st base to celebrating a home run while we both are single. Sounds pretty good right? Of course it does, but no feelings can get attached and it’s clearly not dating. It’s pretty simple when you think about it. All the sex either of you wants and no emotional ties or downsides of being in an actual relationship.

So, this is what a night off feels like? BRING IT OOONNNNN!!!! (again)

Now, I know I am definitely not a believer in successful FWB relationships. What is the goal of a relationship like this anyways? Is it to just get laid, to have fun, to get a date to the spring fling?? To me, this kind of relationships is stagnant and somewhat shallow and there is very little chance that it will progress to a full blown “let’s date and get married thing”. (Eh, to be more honest, a great deal of the people that get into these types of relationships are teens and our relationships may seem like they are going to last forever. But forever usually ends when we start heading off to college…)

Moving along, I think girls are more at a loss than guys are when it comes to catching feelings. Girls are more likely to get caught up if after having a night of “fun” with a guy and a week later, he’s out walking in the park, arm-in-arm with his new girlfriend. Who wouldn’t be sort of mad at that? In my opinion the FWB relationship was made by men, for men. Guys get pleased and then don’t have to hear the nag, nag, nag that comes along with being in a relationship. No staying up half the night talking about what your favorite movie is. No feeling compelled to spend money on dinner and movie dates. No having to sit through your girlfriend whining about how you should listen to her more and asking you does that dress make her ass look huge. Nothing. Just get your groove on and go on about your happy days. It’s the perfect invention, for men that is.

Too bad she didn't have anyone to tell her the sad truth... That yes, that dress cannot, in fact, handle your butt cheeks.

But is it really new? Nope. About a year and a half ago when I first heard this term, Friends With Benefits, my friend M and I were sitting at lunch and she complained about a guy (whose name I had heard many times before) and how she had slept with him the night before. I remember my first question being, “Uh, when did you and Dmitri start dating?” She looked up and just smiled, “We aren’t dating, we’re just friends with benefits.” Of course. This isn’t something new. People have been bed hopping with no strings attached for decades. The only thing different is that now, it’s got a name.

In my concluding opinion, are FWB relationships really for everyone? I don’t think so. There are some of us, both guys and girls who have strong hearts and can take “a night off” with somebody and the next day think nothing of it and move right along with our lives. Then on the flip side of the pillow, there are those of us, again I say both men and women, who can’t do it, which I would like to say, does include myself. And maybe that’s one of the reasons why I don’t believe FWB relationships can work. But that’s my way of seeing it, being a girl and observing what the usual outcome of being friends with benefits is. Sometimes I wonder if, generally speaking, can a relationship based only on physicality evolve into something more…?

Tae.

AMBW Post #1: Researching the Important Questions

Hello out there, again! As I have been perusing this website a new topic to post about has entered my mind. AMBW relationships. This will be my first post about it and my thoughts on said topic. So, away we go!

Straight Up Beautiful!!! ❤

About a year ago, I met an Asian guy, well he was Korean to be more specific, (I’ll refer to him as A) in school. He was wonderfully sweet, and kind, and smart, and funny, and not to mention cute; I’ll stop because I could go on with this list for days, but long story short, after I met him, I was enthralled with the idea of being with someone like him.

Like I’ve said many times before, the area where I was raised for the larger half of my life was predominately a Black area. When I first moved out to the suburbs of Michigan, no joke, I really thought there were only four types of people in the world. There were Black people, White people, Asian people, and Mexican people. Everybody, in my mind, fit into those categories in some way, shape or form. So in 6^th grade when a guy came up to me and said I’m Chaldean, I asked him straight up what that was. As I got older living out there in the “boonies” (as various family members called it) I became used to seeing people of all different races, creeds, and colors and it was interestingly cool.

Along with that my implanted stereotypes of those races were also somewhat diminished. I and my friends joked about how all White people didn’t have any rhythm and no booties. How all Indians ate curry with everything and how all Asians had slits for eyes and had rice with every meal. Such lies. It’s stupid to stereotype an entire race, with that word; all… Unless some scientific researcher guy (or gal) corralled every human being in the world in the biggest lab ever and tested them on academics, diet, and looks, it ain’t no “all (insert race here) do/are (insert some activity or look or way of living here)”.

On the real, this says it all...

So anyways, around the same time that A and I  became friends, I first ran across a video on Youtube by TimothydelaGhetto where he was talking about seeing an increase in videos by other non-Asian girls talking about how much they thought Asian guys were sexy and cute and the like. After watching a few of the videos myself I thought, “I heavily doubt any Asian guy would put out a reply to these. Asian guys would never even think of dating a Black girl.” I was seriously mistaken when right there smack dab on the top side of the related video section was a video entitled “Asian Men/Black Women love pt 1” by Tenchijk. This video stuck into my mind most of all because it was the first time that an Asian man was really standing up and saying that yes, Black women are beautiful and that interracial dating between the two, it shouldn’t be viewed as such of a taboo thing.

This set me in the direction of many nights spent on Google, Yahoo Answers, and various random postings on the subject of interracial dating between Black Women and Asian Men. What affects social standards, stereotypes, the media, and parental input from both sides had to do with the lack seeing it in our world. Sometimes, even now, I find myself Googling topics related and I’m happy to say that now, a year later, the number of positive posts about it and the number of videos by Asian men and Black women advocating AMBW relationships is definitely on the rise. It is a beautiful thing! J (More AMBW posts to come!) © © © © © © © © © © © © © © ©

Tae.